Hello to all.

Through out this whole journey, I’d like remain anonymous but you can call me Ms.Nutella, if you want. Yes, that’s not my real name, and yes, I really like Nutella. Now let me introduce myself before jumping into the good stuff. I’m 20 years old. I’m a medical student in a private medical school somewhere in this world. Obviously you can tell by my writing, I’m not a native English speaker or a good writer. So excuse my writing. 

Why I started this blog :

I’ve noticed for a couple of years that I have some minor mental problems such as having low self-esteem, having suicidal thoughts, wanting to be loved (way too much) and being a perfectionist. I’ve came up with many solutions in which could potentially help me get rid of these problems. Writing a blog and let it all out is one of them.

Where it start :

My mental health problems started since my mother’s death. She passed away about 2 years ago. She was literally my everything ; my mother (obviously), my father and my best friend. Now let me tell you about my family. I have an older sister. She’s turning 36 this year (not sure exactly which month. I sometimes can’t even remember my own birthday. For crying out loud. ) I have a father who used to be abusive when I was younger but after we moved out he changed which is a good thing (I guess?)

I remember when I was younger, I would come home every evening and tell my mom about everything that happen that day; what happened in school, what my classmates did that upset me, etc. And she would always guide me and tell me what I should do to stop them from bullying me. She taught me to be independent. She said ‘Do not do something because your friends do it. Do something when YOU want to do it.‘ She also said ‘ You don’t need friends, they need you‘ That’s why I  don’t really have many friends. I mean, I DO have friends but not the kind of friends whom I could have meaningful conversations with. Sounds pretty lonely, doesn’t it? I didn’t think so. Because back then I had my mom. She and I, together, standing up against the whole world.

But everything came crashing down when my mother was diagnosed with hemorrhagic stroke. She was hospitalised for 7 days before she passed away. I still remember as if it was yesterday, I was looking at her unconscious body lying on a cheap hospital bed. The day before she had her surgery, I walked to her and she put her hand on the side of my face. She couldn’t speak because of the ET tube but when I looked into her eyes. They say it it all. She loves me very much and I do too.

After my mother’s death, I moved in with my sister and her husband because I was too young to live on my own. My brother-in-law (my sister’s husband) is the sweetest man alive. He’s like my second father actually. They took care of me like I was their own child. I’m very grateful. But of course, no one is perfect. They fought almost everyday and that stressed me out (a lot)

A year after that my sister and her husband moved to another country so I had to move out and live alone in a big city all by myself for first time in my life (My father still financially support me though or else I wouldn’t have lasted this long) I spent a year traveling and studying until I got into the medical school.

That’s where came I from.

Why do I want to get rid of the problems? :

The answer is in the question itself. Why? because they’re problems. They stop me from reaching my full potential.

Do not do something because your friends do it, do something when YOU want to do it. — My mother